Leaving And Letting Go

I am starting my trip by the end of May 2018 whether I can afford it or not. I’ll find a way for it to work. If I can afford it, I will leave sooner, but I am not going to put it off longer than that. I plan on working my way from Florida to New Hampshire, sleeping in various state parks on the way, and then exploring New Hampshire all the way into September or so. I’d like to post 2-5 accounts of my adventures per week. I am giving myself a year to find funding, but I have already waited most of my life for this and refuse to wait so long that I finally die having never really lived. When I used to have a job, I was able to save money, but since I had a job I also had no time or energy. Then I lost my job through no fault of my own and now nobody will hire me. I have come to realize I am no longer cut out for most jobs anyways. I can’t go back to that life; I can only go forward now.

​Sometimes the only way to break into a new life is to take the risk of losing everything. It’s like combustion. A carbon atom has to leave the company of its fellow carbon atoms and break the bonds that tie them together in order to be embraced by oxygen atoms into molecules of carbon dioxide. It takes energy to break those bonds – it isn’t painless or free – but the energy released when they then bind to oxygen is greater. In case you failed chemistry, here’s another analogy: We have to let go of our lives here on Earth in order to finally reach Heaven.

Disclaimer: I don’t know the future better than anyone else. I could be dead tomorrow. I also remember that many times in my life I thought sure I was going to begin some project only to be surprised when I suddenly lost interest or became interested in another. I have even been surprised before by my own fear and laziness. Still, I think I’m really going to do it this time.

There is much that I will be giving up. It will be virtually impossible to make money on the road, and I will require money for food, gasoline, campsites, museum tickets and more. I have no idea where my funds will come from; I don’t even have enough gas money right now to make it into Georgia. I’ve tried doing it the safe and sensible way, but prudence has never worked for me. I’m already 35 and I have less money than I did ten years ago. I’ve never been able to save enough that I wouldn’t have to worry about big costs like car repair. I’ve never found a job I could do that also paid well. I’ve tried starting multiple business projects, but they were all too big to do on my own and my partners would drag their feet and change the whole business model on me every month. I have successfully sold my art and literature many times, but never quite enough to keep me fed. Nothing I do takes off on its own and I no longer have money to promote anything. I figure I no longer have anything left to lose. If by some miracle my books become overnight bestsellers while I am travelling, I will be very happy, but I am no longer going to wait around for this to happen before I take the risk.

It will be very lonely on the road, but I don’t know that I’ve ever had a true friend anyways (though recent events give me some hope). My calls often go unreturned, they rarely have time for me though they have time for their other friends, and even when we are together we rarely seem to really connect. To travel is one of my dreams, but so is to find a wife and start a family. Not only can I not seem to find a friend, but I can’t find a girlfriend either. Things can’t possibly get worse than they already are. I have tried everything, but it is clear that the only way left to make friends is by pure luck. Since I have nothing to lose, I figure I can at least do some exploring before I die and find joy in that. If by some miracle I meet another on the road that wants to go with me, I will know I have found a true friend at last.

I have other dreams, too. I have a science fiction trilogy I’m trying to write and I have plans for a series on alien life forms. I have been trying to get these ideas out of my head and onto paper my whole life, but I still run into roadblocks. I get tired or distracted and I just can’t seem to get myself out of the slump. I am incredibly slow. Sometimes things go well, but other times I think they might never be finished. I also have a non-fiction book on love, life, religion, and politics in the works that will better explain myself and why I do what I do. Theoretically I could work on all of these projects on the road in between writing this blog, but it will be difficult. I might not always have enough time, enough electricity for the computer, or a comfortable seat and table out of the rain, wind, and bugs – but I have to go anyways even if just to break the monotony.

A few years ago I realized I wasn’t getting anywhere in life and that nobody I knew had ever understood who I really was. They still to this day make strange, prejudicial assumptions about me and never really listen. The weight of many years of depression finally crushed me and I started to shut down. It was only when I gave up caring what happened to me that I found where God was hiding the whole time and the only reason I’m alive and writing this is because I now understand that all my greatest dreams were originally God’s ideas to begin with. If he wills it, I will succeed in spite of the cost. If not, I have already tried my best and failed. There is nothing more to be done. I have things I want to accomplish, but I have no unfinished business of my own. Therefore no risk is too great and nothing is worth holding onto.

I realize also that my science fiction trilogy is only a shadow of the real world. It is about the kind of life I always wanted – a life of travel and exploration. While I am not likely to run into any wormholes or mind parasites exploring the forests of Earth, at least my Earth adventures are real. I will always take the real adventure over the false escape. I had thought I would write first and then travel, but this has not been working out or satisfying. I need to get my priorities straight.
I’m leaving May 2018.

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